Frustrated with SPD and ADHD

I have said it before and I will say it again, sometimes I think that sensory processing disorder and ADHD are the pits.  Ellie is so driven by her sensory and motor cravings that they are affecting her learning.  Her everyday life.  She is capable of so much and yet, she is impaired by her impulsivity, her lack of attention, and her mouthing behaviors.

I am frustrated.  I am angry.  SPD and ADHD are negatively affecting my daughter.  We live with this day to day and most of the time I accept it as just is.  This is the way life is.  Then, something small (or large) happens and I have a mini-mental breakdown.

notice most the tops are missing from the crayons.
Guess who did that?

Last night I was attempting to cook dinner (I know this cooking concept is shocking).  I am not a great cook and I rely on the crockpot a lot. As in 2-3 times a week.  I just toss everything in, turn it on, and pray that it all turns out.  I often forget about side dishes and I was quite proud of myself for buying fresh green beans and crushing a bit of garlic.  I shall be a good wife yet!

Which brings me to the following:

The TV has become my babysitter.  

I loathe it.  I want her to sit quietly and play, but the kitchen island and table are too tempting for Ellie to climb and so Sofia the First on the TV it is.  As I attempted to saute the green beans and shred the crockpot roast with a fork, Ellie pushes me aside and signs "color".  Now, most of you would think this is a great thing.  Coloring!  A great time occupier!  Developing fine motor skills! A budding artist!

I would give anything to settle my Ellie Bear down with brightly colored crayons and harvest creativity.  Yet, I cannot.  She eats crayons.  I kid you not.  At 4 years-old she still eats crayons.  Not mouths them, but eats them.  A stick of crayon. She actually craves crayons.  They are crunchy and waxy at the same time.  They satisfy some rather intense oral craving that she has.  I cannot leave her alone for even mere seconds with a single crayon because she cannot battle the compulsion.  A five minute crayon session can result in the consumption of 4 whole crayons.  Trust me, I know this.  I must sit directly across from Ellie during a coloring session. (It isn't just crayons.  She bites the tips off of colored pencils, eats chalk, and licks paint brushes and don't even get me started with markers as she not only bites the tips but also gnaws right through the plastic, but crayons are her preferred medium).

I could not even let her color.

chewed up white crayon

So I cried.  Sobbed is more like it.  I felt like an epic mother failure.  What kind of mother forces her child to watch TV when she just wants to color?!  Why can't my kid be like other kids and be able to color?  Sensory issues are robbing my daughter of her creativity.  They are preventing her from learning to color.  Learning to draw even the simple horizontal and vertical lines.  How can she ever learn to write her name or draw a stick person if we cannot get writing implements out of her mouth!? Why must things be so difficult for her?  Will this ever go away?  and will I ever be able to get dinner on the table?

Random Ellie pic:
The family that DIYs together is the family that stays together.

*As I look back over this post, I realize it is more about SPD than ADHD.  I will write more about how ADHD affects Ellie in a later post because believe me, ADHD Bear's biggest battle--affecting day-today living, learning, social relationships, and even speech development.*

Le Bec Fin

I have been in a funk lately.  I am fully blaming it on lack of sleep.  Lack of sleep as a result of Bear's surgery and complications.  Her sleep routine is still off and this has led to 4:30am wake up times and lots of Ellie-no-naps.  Lack of sleep leads to a cranky toddler with epic temper tantrums.  You know the ones where the child throws herself onto the floor and actually kicks and waves her arms?  Yes, she is Ellie.  She drops her words and sometimes even drops her signs.  Thankfully, the PECS are our friends.  It appears that the trigger is our lack of donuts in the house, but in reality it is lack of sleep.  Mama Bear is tired and sadly I am finding it harder and harder to get out of bed.  Harder and harder to leave the house for things beyond grocery shopping.  In the last 27 days, I have emerged from my self-imposed cocoon twice--once for my dear friend's birthday at the Melting Pot (Yum!) in late April and once this past  Friday for a quick lunch for my other best friend.

I remind myself that this trying time shall pass and I find myself looking at these pictures of The Bear's Antics.  She is full of spunk and shows me how to live life to the fullest--through cupcakes, donuts, and birthday cake.

No serious posts on this blog, right now.  No thought-provoking posts or even my favorite and ever frequent medical posts.

Just plain old antics.  She brings light to my life and hopefully to yours too.  Many of these are unedited, iPhone pics.  I hope to pick up my beloved SLR camera soon.

In other news.  I firmly believe that the next time we are in Philly, I can bring Ellie to Le Bec Fin.  She is ready.  Awesome table manners.  She even wipes the table with a rag after she is finished eating.

What do you mean by "no shirt, no shoes, no service?"

Ahh, the Nutella Coma.

31 for 21: Moving Past the Shame

I was angry after Ellie was born.  A chronic suffer of low self-esteem, I thought, "I couldn't even get procreation right.  I couldn't even create a normal baby".  I curse those thoughts and I am ashamed.  As though the union of two people creating a living being is the easiest, most simplistic accomplishment in the world.  It is not, let me tell you, but that is a whole other post.

A child is a miracle.  Every child is perfect is her own beautifully unique way.  Children are not mistakes.  They are not a parent's accomplishment.  They living beings to be treasured and celebrated.

The wide array of emotions I felt after Ellie was born was astounding.  I was failing about on a roller coaster of grief.

Envy.

Three years ago, I woefully gazed upon my friend's little blond-haired, blue-eyed cherub who was born just weeks before my Ellie.  Why?  Why did she get two perfect little children when my one and only child has a syndrome?

Make this go away.  This isn't fair.

Why me?  Why us?  Why my/our child?

Anger.

This cannot be right!  Come on!  We were only going to have one child.  I did everything right.  At least I tried to be so very perfect.  The model pregnant woman.  I took my prenatal supplements.  I took high levels of folic acid due to my Irish heritage to help prevent neural tube defects.  I went to all of my prenatal appointments.  I did prenatal yoga.  I even did aqua aerobics with ladies as old as my grandmother.  I tried to be perfect.  I tried to do it all correctly.  And I believed failed.

Guilt.

Why is my baby broken?  What did I do wrong?

Denial.

My cousin's child has sandal gap toes and she doesn't have Down syndrome.  Those slanted eyes, well that could be because her little newborn face is smushed from the birthing process.  Her muscle tone isn't that horrible.  Right?  Maybe this is all a bad dream.  Maybe there is a mistake.  I bet her karotype will come back with 46 chromosomes.  I am certain it will.  She cannot have special needs.  I don't know how to raise a child with special needs.

Sadness.  Loneliness.

As I looked into Ellie beautiful, chubby cheeked face, I felt love.  Unbelievable, fierce, protective love. . . and sadness.  Sadness because her life was going to be difficult.  Sadness because I would never be a grandmother (selfish, I know).  Sadness because she may be teased and made fun of.  Sadness because Ellie may not be best friends with my friend's little girl as we had so cheerfully believed while J & I were pregnant together.  Sadness because rather than having snuggle bonding time, we were bonding with a cardiologist and a geneticist.

All of these thoughts circled around in my mind during the first few months after Ellie's birth.  I was extremely afraid to utter them out loud.


I was afraid that people would think I didn't love my daughter.  

I kept most of those thoughts carefully bottled up . . . until now.

When life throws a curve ball, many of us go through the stages of grief and I went through each and every stage at full throttle and even repeated a few stages.  I grieved for the child I thought I was going to have.  The child that never existed.  Yes, I also grieved for the difficulties that my little Ellie was/is going to face.  The future is never certain, but I do know this: I have and will always always always love my little girl.






I do not regret having Ellie.  What I do regret, is not celebrating her the way I should have after she was born.  I want a do-over of the first few months of her life.


I am revealing all of this now, because I imagine that some of you are early on in this journey and are perhaps feeling some of these same feelings.  Maybe feeling guilt.  Maybe feeling alone.  Maybe feeling anger.  I am here to tell you that you are not alone.  I have discovered through many of my friends who also have children with special needs that these feelings and thoughts are common.  Normal.  It is okay to grieve.  It will get better.  Celebrate your little boy or little girl, but do not feel obligated to celebrate Down syndrome.

Through the Eyes of a Person with an Anxiety Disorder

*I actually wrote this post well over 2 months ago and must admit that I was too scared to post it.  In fact, the past few weeks I have been toying with hitting that "publish" button.  Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a real mental disorder that I was diagnosed with over 10 years ago and even with all of the advertisements on TV for x,y,and z medications, there is still a huge stigma surrounding mental health issues.  Anxiety, sadly, is often passed off as no big deal or as everyone has it, but those with an actual anxiety disorder know how debilitating it can be. May is Mental Health Awareness month and AWF's big advocacy for mental health on StopDisabilitySlurs has motivated me to finally hit the "Publish" button on this post.*

It has been a while (a year already!) since I discussed my never-ending ( or so it seems) battle with depression and generalized anxiety disorder.  In addition to my own coping mechanisms,  I have been seeing a therapist for cognitive behavior therapy and medication.  My depression has mostly resolved itself and I had been doing well. Recently, I was weened off of my antidepressant and I did great.  For 1.5 weeks.  Then anxiety just mushroomed in my brain.  It became paralyzing to the extent that I could not focus on anything else.  I was sweaty and had a rapid heart rate.  I was hounding Andrew about things that seemed like such a big deal to me, but in reality were minuscule. 

I couldn’t hide it [anxiety] very well.  I tried to, but I kept hearing “are you alright?” from friends.  Of course I never told people the way I truly felt.  No one really wants to hear the truth, especially where mental health is involved.  It is still a taboo subject, unfortunately.  So instead I would use the blanket excuse of “I am just tired”.  An acceptable, all too common excuse used by many mothers. 

Generalized Anxiety Disorder [GAD] is a true mental health illness.  It is not some made up disorder and it can be extremely debilitating if not treated.  It affects all aspects of one’s life.  By that, I mean GAD affects my sleep, my relationships, my ability to perform day-to-day activities, and yes, shamefully, my parenting.

Anxiety is the result of a neurotransmitter imbalance.  Serotonin is the most commonly discussed neurotransmitter, but there are also norepinephrine and dopamine. I will not go into a full fledged biochemical, neurology lecture here, but suffice to say that an anxiety disorder is in an essence a brain disorder.  The misfiring and poor reuptake of neurotransmitters can manifest itself in the form of anxiety, depression, or bipolar just to name a few. 

Anxiety is not rationale.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  Actually, the hallmark characteristic about anxiety is that it is irrational.  It is feeling of a lack of control.  No one chooses to be anxious.  Come on!  Who would want to be in full-blown panic mode 24/7?  Plus, if I could control it, I wouldn’t be anxious now would I?  I am serious in that sometimes it is the anxiety disorder that is worse than the depressive disorder.  And sometimes, they go hand-in-hand.  

To get an idea of how a simple thought snowballs into a full blown, irrational thought catastrophe read on:

I have been out of work for nearly 3 years and in about 6 months, Ellie Bear will be in the school system.  That means I might, notice I said might, be returning to work part-time.  I assume that it would be reasonable for anyone to be a bit nervous about returning to work after such a long gap in employment. 

For me, this resulted in panic.  Paralyzing, all consuming panic.  No one would hire me.  I am unhireable.  What if they do hire me?  I do not remember how to practice medicine (uh, hey, I take continuing education classes and exams every year to stay licensed so I am not completely clueless).  Oh no, I cannot remember the treatment for mollescum contagiosum! I will accidentally kill someone (mollescum contagiosum is not deadly).  Then I really won’t have a job.  I will be in jail and someone will be without their child.  That thought then leads to: What if Ellie dies?  I will not survive. So for and so on.

If I am not hired, I will not have a job.  If I wait a few more years to work, there will be an even bigger gap in employment.  See above paragraph.

What if Andrew dies (See, I said irrational)?  How will I support me and Ellie?  Ellie will need support for most of her life and Andrew will be gone.  How can I afford the car and the house payments?  My parents will probably be gone by the time Andrew passes so Ellie and I will be alone.  I can't do this! They will take Ellie away from me because I cannot support her. . . I know!  I will sell the Supra!  Where is the key to the Supra?  I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THE KEY IS TO THE SUPRA AND I CANNOT SUPPORT THE FAMILY! (Yes, we own a Supra.  No you cannot steal it because 1. no keys & 2. no engine) 

Around and around it goes.  Over and over again.  Completely irrational, highly improbable thoughts, and yet it was all I could think about.  I was asking Andrew in depth questions about his life insurance (and where the key to the supra was).  

Telling a person with an anxiety disorder to “knock it off”, “snap out of it”, or “just stop thinking about it” is completely pointless and belittling.  Don’t you think we thought of that already and if we could “snap out of it” and easily redirect our thoughts we would?  So what now? After a therapy appointment and a visit to the psychiatrist, it was decided that maybe I need to restart my antidepressant (also great for anxiety due to its effect on serotonin).  Medication is so important and it is not something to be ashamed of.  Just as a diabetic needs the proper amount of insulin, a person with anxiety needs the proper amount of neurotransmitters.


How is it working for me?  I am doing better.  I am sleeping and I am able to focus on something outside my lack of employment.   Am I cured?  No, this is a lifelong battle.  I will continue my therapy appointments to fine tune my coping mechanisms and deal with flare ups as they occur.  I will continue to take medications that tend to have unfortunate side effects (ie increased hunger leading to weight gain.  Did I mention weight gain? , weight gain, sleepiness, sleeplessness).  I will do these things because I love my Ellie, I love my husband, and yes, I love myself.  

For more information on anxiety disorders, please check out these links:

Anxiety Disorders Association of America. http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad

National Institute of Mental Health: How to Get Help for Anxiety Disorders.http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/how-to-get-help-for-anxiety-disorders.shtml

National Association of Cognitive Behavior Therapists. What is CBT http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm

The Mayo Clinic-Generalized Anxiety Disorder http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502

National Alliance on Mental Illness. http://www.nami.org/

I would like to extend a special thank you to Meriah at With a Little Moxie who has hosted this Disability Connection Blog-Hop. 

Coping with Depression: Recognizing the Signs & Getting Help

I would like to introduce to you Gretchen Mather of Julian's Journey: Life as We Know It.  Gretchen and I are blogging cyber buddies.  We have been reading and commenting on each other's blog for a while now and I am thrilled to have her a guest blogger today. I am always struck not only by the amazing cuteness of Julian, but also by her complete honesty and raw emotions so beautifully written in her blog.  I sincerely hope that after reading her guest post, you decide to continue on following Julian's Journey.

Coping with Depression: Recognize the Signs & Getting Help

Here I am, on the Chronicles of Ellie Bellie Bear blog (hi everyone and thanks Anna!) typing to figure out where to begin. Anna asked me to talk a little more about my experience with depression and I thought it was a great idea. I hope that with this post, I can help others who are currently depressed cope with their feelings and find the right treatment.

You see, I experienced a severe depression after my son Julian was born. I have a history of post-partum depression and suicide that runs in the family.

If you are reading this and are currently depressed, PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS GOING TO FEEL THIS WAY.  Read on for my story and how to cope. 

Here is a bit more about my story:

I am living proof of someone who has been to the point of being suicidal and now am truly feeling happiness again.  How did I know I was depressed? Well, I was unhappy most of all of every day. I would get up in the morning and think "crap, another day I have to get through".  Living each second of every day was torture.   I didn't even have the energy to eat.  I lost my appetite and lost about 15 pounds.  Other signs and symptoms of depression include frequent thoughts of death and suicide.  Here are some facts from www.dbsaboston.org (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance of Boston):

Common symptoms of clinical depression include:

• Prolonged feelings of sadness, anxiety, or hopelessness
• Sense of impending doom or disaster
• Reduced enjoyment and pleasure
• Loss of energy and motivation
• Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Indecisiveness, reduced concentration, slow thinking
• Significant changes in appetite and/or sleep patterns
• Social withdrawal
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

Key Facts About Depression

In any given year depression affects up to 20 million Americans, or 10 percent of the adult population.

• Women are twice as likely as men to experience major depression: One in four women, as opposed to one in eight men, is likely to experience a mood disorder in her lifetime.
• Two out of three people with mood disorders do not get proper treatment because their symptoms are not recognized, blamed on personal weakness, or misdiagnosed.
• When properly treated, 90 percent of people with mood disorders can be helped.
• People with untreated severe depression have a suicide rate of about 15 percent

How Do You Know If You Are Depressed?

If you have been feeling down or sad for at least two weeks in a row consistently, all day of every day, then you might want to seek out the help of a therapist to talk about how you are feeling and determine if you are depressed.  Signs that you might be depressed are below (from www.webmd.com):
 

• persistently sad, anxious, or empty moods
• loss of pleasure in usual activities (anhedonia)
• feelings of helplessness, guilt, or worthlessness
• crying, hopelessness, or persistent pessimism
• fatigue or decreased energy
• loss of memory, concentration, or decision-making capability
• restlessness, irritability
• sleep disturbances
• change in appetite or weight
• physical symptoms that defy diagnosis and do not respond to treatment (especially pain and gastrointestinal complaints)
• thoughts of suicide or death, or suicide attempts
• poor self-image or self-esteem (as illustrated, for example, by verbal self-reproach)

Physical signs of depression:

• appearance of preoccupation
• lack of eye contact
• memory loss, poor concentration, and poor abstract reasoning
• pacing, hand wringing, and pulling on hair
• psychomotor retardation or agitation, such as slowed speech, sighs, and long pauses
• self-deprecatory manner, or belligerence and defiance (especially in adolescents)
• slowed body movements, even to the extent of being motionlessness or catatonia
• tearfulness or sad countenance

A bit about my mental health history
Before Julian was born, I had a history of anxiety and panic attacks but that was treated by some therapy and yoga for relaxation.  I was not on any medication to manage my anxiety.  I had also had two drug induced psychotic episodes in college (brought on after smoking marijuana) which I didn't think too much of at the time - I chalked it up to drug experimentation and a strange reaction.  Later, I realized this was substance induced psychosis. 

I haven't had a chance yet to write down my experiences in detail about my psychosis experiences (before and after Julian was born) and will likely leave that to another day (I touch upon it briefly in Gretchen's story on my blog). You can feel free to leave ANY AND ALL questions or comments about psychosis on my blog or here because it might help trigger some thoughts in order to start writing about it. 

When the trouble began....

The trouble for started not with depression, but with a psychotic episode a couple days after Julian was born which landed me in the mental hospital since this is a very serious condition.  The general definition of psychosis is "loss of contact with reality" usually characterized by hallucinations and delusions.   I spent 9 days in McClean

I was released from the hospital and came home to a 2 week old baby Julian that I frankly didn't know how to take care of and didn't have much attachment to.  It was hard for me to distinguish if these feelings were related to the fact that he had Down syndrome (unexpectedly) and I was having trouble coping with that (which I was), or if I was depressed.  I was able to determine that yes, I was sad and grieving the typically developing baby that I expected. However, I was also clinically depressed.  I also learned that it is pretty common for new mothers who are depressed to not feel any attachment to their babies. 

And then, the depression came on strong

Life went on.  I tried to get through the days.  But I wasn't feeling much joy, and on top of trying to absorb the information about my new baby who has special needs, I was trying to sort out my mental health.  People reached out to me thank goodness.  I had a therapist that I had seen for a few years prior that helped me to find a Post Partum Depression support group in the area.   I highly recommend this.  I went every Wednesday for an hour to share thoughts and feelings with other mothers.  The group was called "This Isn't What I Expected."  

If you don't have someone to talk to, please please please get help.  Go to a therapist. Call your insurance company to ask them who in the area is covered and who they can recommend.  Or call a friend to ask them to help you. Call or talk to ANYONE. The key is reaching out and telling people how you are feeling and letting them help care for you. 

Especially if you are a new mom or a mom having another child, often in this society people think that mothers are feeling uber joy after their babies are born.  No one talks about the fact that it is quite typical that moms feel unattached, sad, depressed.  This post partum group for me was a place where it was OK to voice your feelings and "normalize" them. 

Weekly therapy, doctor support

I saw a psychiatrist every week. She managed my meds.  I went to weekly therapy sessions.  My family helped take care of Julian.  In fact, they were taking care of him - I wasn't.  I couldn't really get through the days and needed a lot of support.  During one of the toughest times in my depression when I was very suicidal, I had my mom come and stay with me.  She would take care of me and cook for me and make sure I got up in the morning, encourage me to shower, encourage me to take a walk around the neighborhood.   I can not tell you how amazing that was for me to have her there. And my husband Tom of course played a HUGE role in helping me cope.  It took a big toll on everyone though.  It was not easy. 

How do you cope when you are depressed?

Well let's see.  I guess I kept thinking about the words from my therapist - YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY, I PROMISE.  When you are depressed, everything is the worst thing in the world. You feel absolutely no joy in anything.  I would look in the mirror and think about killing myself.  I didn't see beauty in the world, I couldn't enjoy the sunshine, I didn't care about the beautiful flowers blooming.  Nothing mattered. I wanted to die. Why was life worth living anyway? 

So if you are or have thought any of these thoughts, then he is what I suggest you do:

1) GET PROFESSIONAL HELP.  Go to someone who is trained to help you. 
2) DAILY SELF CARE. Try to do the little things every day, like shower, get dressed, comb your hair - I know this is very very VERY hard to do when you are depressed.  But you can do it.  I know you can. I did.
3) EAT. I was not hungry EVER when I was depressed.  yes, I said NEVER. I would never ever get hungry.  So I had to try to eat whenever I could (mostly people would force me to eat).
4) FIND A SUPPORT GROUP in your area.  I know, it is hard enough to get dressed, how are you going to get out of the house? Ask a friend or relative to drive you if this would help (that is what I did)
5) MEDICATION.  Medication helps correct the imbalances in your brain.  I am still on anti-depressants and they help me feel like I do today which is HAPPY. Believe me, do it.
6) EXERCISE.  Take small walks (again if you need help from friends or family, ask them to come and take you out).
7) SOCIALIZE.  I know you will not feel like planning anything yourself or even not have any fun when you get together with people.  But you need to force yourself (or ask a friend or relative to help you plan social occasions).  It is important that you get some interactions every day.
8)  and lastly, like I have said before KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF THAT YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY.

With the proper help from professionals, YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.  As someone who was suicidal and spent time in a mental institution to recover, I was at the bottom of the barrel.  I am now back at the top - working a full time job in the industry I love, raising my beautiful boy Julian, and loving and enjoying life again.  It was not easy to get where I am today, but do not give up.  Do not let yourself give up. Even on your darkest days, please remember that it will get better. I promise.  But you have to help yourself get better too.

If you want to contact me with ANY questions at all, please feel to leave a comment here or at my blog or send an email to glm0210@yahoo.com. You can also follow me on Twitter @julians_journey.

Thanks again Anna for letting me be your guest!

The Truth About Depression

This is a rather difficult post to write.  I am not sure what to say or how to say it.  What to share and how it will come across.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14 years-old.  Therapists along with medication were my treatment off and on throughout high school and part of college.  At times, I was doing fine and other times I just wanted to lay in bed and scream.  Or cry. Or be snippy with my parents.

It was actually during my Freshman year at UPenn where I also learned that I have an anxiety disorder.  Sometimes the anxiety would be beneficial.  A little anxiety to force me to get off my butt and get that paper done so I could enjoy (obsess over) the rest of the weekend.  Other times, it truly disrupted my life. I would become so worked up over my classes and lack of time to do homework that I would become frazzled, obsessive, and not eat.  Who has time to eat when there is an A&P test to study for?!  I lost ALOT of weight and freaked out my family when they saw me over Winter break.

Major Depressive Disorder.  MAD-seems sort of fitting. Generalize Anxiety Disorder.  GAD.  A miss-mash of letters and labels.  That is all they are-labels.  Labels that place a stigma upon you, but also a label that guides health care providers and therapists on how to help you.

It has been 11 years since then I have been doing relatively well. I finished college, then graduate school, held down good jobs, and now raise my little girl with my wonderful, supportive husband.  There are of course the usual ups and downs.  I try to maintain a healthy diet (notice I said "try"), workout, get enough sleep, and then practice some of those important CBT (cognitive behavior strategies) as well as eat chocolate.  I also take medication.

I recognize that some people have strong feelings about medication, but for me, it is necessary.  One would never tell a diabetic not to take insulin so why should someone who has a serotonin imbalance be criticized for taking a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor (SSRI)?  When you have a headache, do you not take Tylenol?

It is frustrating when people say things like "why can't you just be happy?". Um, we would all love to be happy and we want to be, but it does not work like that.  People do not choose to feel this way.  Goodness, who would?  It is truly a chemical imbalance involving the neurotransmitters of the brain.

The key is, we can choose to try to get better.  Yet, depression is just that--hopelessness, helplessness, and, the thought that life cannot possibly be better.  That IS the definition of depression.  Fortunately, in CBT, I learned to recognize my triggers (ie lack of sleep) as well as my early signs of depression/anxiety.  That is where I am at.  Recognizing that I am starting to slip into depression.  Recognizing that things are not improving even with my coping mechanisms in place.  Recognizing that perhaps I need a bit more help.

I have been seeking the natural Vitamin D daily.  I have my Thankful Thursdays, my regular sleep routine (the Ellie 4am wake up is NOT helping said routine), yoga, and color-coded list making.  I employ many of my CBT strategies (even when I am not in a depressive episode).  Now, I have made the visit to my psychiatrist where it was determined that perhaps the Lexapro just wasn't cutting it.  That maybe it is time to shake things up.

On Monday, I saw a cardiologist.  I was correct in assuming that last Wednesday's "left-sided chest pain with rapid heart rate" ER event was related to my ever increasing anxiety.  My cortisol levels must be through the roof.  Talk about a wake-up call.  God, I am hearing You loud and clear!  I hear You.  I need Your help and guidance.

Things need to change.  This little girl needs me. . .

Thankfulness, "In", and Faces of Ellie

I do not have too much to say this go around.  Shocking, I know!  It has been a busy week which ended up with me hanging out in the ER on Wednesday afternoon/evening.  Not to fear.  Everything is okay. nothing was found wrong. Yet I have now bought myself an appointment with a cardiologist.  Oh goody. It seems that pesky family medical history is out to haunt me.

It feels odd. . .me going to the doctor because it is usually Ellie.  The statement I just made is not something I want to contemplate right now. . . like about the fact it is starting to seem so normal that it is my little girl who visits specialists all the time.  Little kids aren't supposed to need specialists.

It is time for: "The Many Faces of Ellie"

Why hello everyone!  I am so excited that you visited Mama blog.

I want to show you all of my molars.  They wake me up at 4am every morning.
My Daddy calls them 'iceburgs'.  Chomp. Chomp. 

This is my "carefree" look.

Ellie the Rockstar!

Yep, that is a snack trap in the photo above.  Remember back when I was working in vain to get Chicka-Boom-Boom to put things IN a bucket or bin?  Not a problem anymore.  Well, unless it involves cleaning up her toys.  Her hand will hover over the toy-box, but Ellie Bear will not drop it [toy] in.  Stubborn little Bear.  Nonetheless, I was all excited (and proud and beaming) because she figured out how to get her puffs out of the snack trap.  She would grab one and a few others would go flying out, ricocheting off of the high chair and whatnot, but still fine motor skill development!  Now she is putting the plastic egg from her play kitchen among other things into random containers and boxes.  Like how I couldn't find her shoe and it was in the diaper holder. . .  

It has been gorgeous the past few days.  As a part of battling my current depressive state, I have made it my mission to spend some time outdoors everyday.  Even if it is just for 5 minutes.  Even if it is 30 degrees like it was a few weeks ago. There is something about the sun that is so good for the soul.  I notice that it can quickly calm a Miss Cranky Pants Bear-Bear in seconds--hence the multiple trips to our mailbox to "check" for mail.  Little does the Bear know that mail doesn't arrive on Presidents' Day or Sundays.  Shhh.  I am not going to tell her.  For now, the mailbox is magical.

You see that!  It looks like she might have some reddish highlights in her hair :)

Speaking of depression, I will be writing another post on that soon.  (Previous posts can be found here. here. and here. Oh and here.)  I forgot to blog my latest Thankful Thursday. Everyone has been so unbelievably kind and supportive.  I have discovered that I am not alone in this and I would like to believe that blogging about depression and anxiety can help dissolve the unnecessary stigmas related to mental health issues.  It is a difficult topic to discuss and I know that many people have their own opinions on the matter.  

A Quick Belated Thankful Thursday:

1. That I did not have a heart attack or pulmonary embolism on Wednesday.

2. That my husband is very smart when it comes to electronics.   Like reprogramming iPhones.

3. The smell of Ellie's baby shampoo.  Instant stress release aromatherapy.  

4. Barnes & Noble

5. My household Zoo: my four-legged and two-legged lovies