Guest Blogger: Fear and Isolation

My friend, Michelle, wrote this emotional post on Fear and Isolation on her blog The Hailey Herald last week and has granted me permission to share it on The Chronicles of Ellie Bellie Bear.  She is a mother to 3 beautiful children - 2 boys and a little girl with a little something extra who reminds me so much of Ellie.  I really identified with her writing - "oh my goodness!  How did you know that is how I feel sometimes!?"-  and I imagine that many of you can too.

The Hailey Herald

Fear and Isolation 

by Michelle

Today, I'm going to touch on something I haven't felt in a couple of years.  I probably felt it the most when Hailey was first born, those first few fragile months.   Those first months while we watched our daughter almost holding our breaths...not sure if heart failure was going to be slow or fast...not sure when open heart surgery was...at the same time, we dealt with the shocking news of a Down syndrome diagnosis.  Those first few months were isolating.  I felt alone in the world.  I felt like no one knew what I was going through.  I felt different than all my friends with typical children.  There is no way they could understand what I was going through.  I felt like an impostor with parents with other children with Down syndrome because I wasn't sure how to navigate that world.  The isolation made me angry...made me sad.  It enveloped me at times.  I couldn't sleep and I turned to lots of Graeter's ice cream at 3 in the morning to make it better (no, that didn't really work either).  Hailey's open heart surgery was finally scheduled and life moved on.  The feelings dissipated some.  I had other things to focus on.  I had a healthy little girl who had tasks that needed accomplished.  The boys were back in school and we had two soccer schedules to juggle.

I remember the isolating feeling returning a couple of time over the past 4 1/2 years.  I don't remember it lingering though.  I think it reared it's ugly head when Hailey was crawling and then again when she started walking.  I know I've dealt with it some waiting for my daughter to learn to communicate.  Since the very beginning though, it never stayed.  It was a thought or two and it was moved to the back burner again.

Last week, however, the overwhelming, smothering feeling returned.  It hit when I wasn't looking and it hurt.  It stopped me in my tracks.  I have a feeling when it started.  We were out and two little girls were standing beside Hailey that are just a little older than her.  There was one on each side of her.  They didn't speak to her, they just stared.  They didn't interact with her...they just laughed and ran away.  No, they did not do anything wrong, but I could see it.  They saw the differences with Hailey and there is nothing I can do about it.  I can't make kids like her.  I can't make kids play with her.

The next day, it hit me that Hailey does not have any friends.  No typical friends that she has play dates with...she occasionally has play dates with kids that have Ds, but let's face it, that is not the real world.  The majority of Hailey's world is with people who are typical.  I have to find a way to build up Hailey's community.  Hailey needs typical friends.  She does well at school with the typical kids, but she doesn't get invited to any of their birthday parties and she's only 4.  How will it be at 5, 6, 10?  Will it be better when she's in a school environment and not just preschool?  Will it be worse?  It makes me anxious and gives me a panic attack just thinking about it.  I suddenly feel like I'm that brand new mom in the world of special needs.  I feel like I'm starting all over again.  I feel alone again....I feel isolated.

Fortunately, I know what triggered this and I knew what the issue was.  I also realize that spending a TON of time at home this summer (due to attempting to potty train Hailey) is compounding the feeling of isolation...it's can be isolating spending so much time in the bathroom at home with your 4 year old.  I'm partially through this episode and I'm working on a game plan.  Unfortunately, I know that isolation and fear will come back again.  Maybe next week...maybe next month...may not be until next year, but it will return.  I know I am not alone in these feelings, but sometimes they just stink.


In the end, I know I am not alone.  This world may have it bumps and it is not the road I planned to travel, but with this little girl leading the way, it is bound to be full of smiles, dimples, laughter, fun and hugs.

Follow us on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Chronicles-of-Ellie-Bellie-Bear/216738345037166

Overwhelming Fear Over a Little Girl in a Pink Dress

My daughter is so beautiful that it hurts.  She is so amazing, so precious, and just down right sassy that my heart is over flowing with love for her.  How is it possible that she is my daughter?  She is a gift.  A priceless gift.  And I fear that I will lose her.  That she will be taken from me all to soon.

Is this something that all mothers feel?  Is this why mama bears are so ferociously protective of their cubs that they will kill a human or another animal that trespasses too close to their family den?

When Ellie was a little over 6 months old, when she went into anaphylaxis due to eating a small amount of infant oat cereal.  A surprisingly rare allergy.  I drove so fast to the nearest hospital and by the time I arrived, her little lip was swollen and she was gasping.  A high pitched squeak was released with each breathe.  I fear for her life.  I later on felt a chest crushing fear every time a little child walked by with a Cheerio.  A cheerio could kill her.  Those infant puffs could kill her.  Thankfully, she has outgrown this allergy.

When I watch my precocious little adventurer climb that 2-story playscape, I have moments of mommy panic.  What if she falls and breaks her neck?  Yet, I know I need to let Ellie develop her independence, test her boundaries, and practice her gross motor skills.

Every time I am in the car and I look back to see an empty car seat, I have a brief moment of fear. Oh right, the car seat is empty because I have a babysitter or she is home with Andrew.

Then there are those scarier times when Ellie has her routine blood draw.  Her complete blood count [CBC] is routinely measured to look for signs of leukemia.  A cancer that could ravish her body and could take her from this world, from me and Andrew.  A cancer, that while rare, is more common in children with Down syndrome.  Oh how my stomach drops and my heart freezes as I hear the nurse on the other line calling with the results.  Oh how my huge sigh of relief could be heard across Texas when I hear that "everything is normal".

Then last week, when I rushed Ellie to the ER at the recommendation of her pediatrician to rule out meningitis.  Again, adrenaline seized me and fortunately it all turned out okay.

Facebook and the internet are dangerous places.  Facebook and internet forums can be excellent avenues for support and yet, they are also where I learned about another little girl Ellie's age diagnosed with leukemia.  They are where I learned that a little cousin was in a horrendous car accident required multiple surgeries to realign her shattered bones.

I have seen too much.  It is my own fault for opting to work early on in my career as a pediatric intensive care unit nurse.  Many of the accidents and illnesses that I have encountered during my years as a nurse were rare incidents. They were unlikely and yet, they serve to remind me just how fragile life is.

I never knew it was possible to love someone so much, with every ounce of my being until I became pregnant. In those first few moments when I saw Ellie before the nurses whisked her away, I knew that life would never be the same.  Yes, I have a fear of losing my little girl and yet, it has made me forever grateful for each moment that I spend with her.  Tell me, am I the only one who has this fear?  Hold you little ones close and whisper those sweet words of I love you.

***

This post was written just after Ellie's meningitis scare, but BEFORE my cyber friend's little boy became severely ill with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome.  Sadly, the doctors are now stating that little K has Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis [TEN].  All of this from taking an antibiotic.  My heart is so heavy for my friend and her little boy.  He is a fighter.  He is strong.  His medical team is competent.  The care he has been receiving is excellent and so far appears to follow the treatment protocols for this type of illness.  Yet, I am scared for him.  Please, continue your prayers for K and for his family.  Updates can be found on his CaringBridge site---please email me if you would like the address.  Never take for granted your children, your spouse, your parents, your friends for it can all change so quickly.  Sweet boy, we love you so much!

Scared

Today was supposed to be Ellie's first day of preschool and I had big plans to photo bomb this blog with proud mama bear photos of my little baby girl headed off to school with her little penguin backpack.  However, Ellie really really really didn't want to go to school today.  Already, The Bear is trying to find ways to weasel herself out of the classroom.  In fact, there is a strong possibility she will miss Thursday as well, the little stinker.

Okay, to be fair, Ellie was/is sick.  We have been so fortunate that Ellie has rarely been ill.  She has a rockin' immune system thanks to me passing on my hard core antibodies and thanks to her fascination with gnawing on the dog toys and shoes.  Sadly, when Ellie does get sick, she does it will full force (i.e. last year's coxsackie virus that turned into a whopping sinus infection and a nasty cellulitis on her leg).

The Bear is strong.  The Bear is feisty.  The Bear will survive.  Mama, however, is a big wimp and is still a bit traumatized.

Bear before things start to go down hill.

A fever.  It all started with a puny little fever yesterday morning after a rough night of sleep.  I cancelled therapies and snuggled with Ellie during gazillion episodes of Signing Time!  Ellie is not a snuggler, but rather a climber so I embrace these small moments of snuggling.  My little girl needed me and I could provide.

Last night was rough with minimal sleep.  I laid next to her for half the night comforting her and then at 5:30am, I felt it.  I saw it.  The seizure.  In the heat of her fever, her left leg twitched for 2 full minutes.  It felt like an eternity.  I placed my hand on her leg thinking it was a tremor and that I could stop it with tactile pressure.  Not so. The twitching continued.  A sign of a seizure.

Febrile seizures are common among the 6 months to 5 year-old age group.  I read somewhere that about 1 in 25 children will experience a febrile seizure at some point during an illness.  It does not mean epilepsy and there is really no treatment.  I am serious, you do not do anything unless it last longer than 10 minutes.  That would be a long 10 agonizing minutes and I feel horrible for the parents who must witness that. The thing is, Ellie's seizure was one-sided rather than full body--called a focal seizure.  Apparently, this is less common and more concerning when there is a fever involved as it can be a sign of meningitis OR it could just be a regular febrile seizure.

Believe it or not, I was not overly worked-up over this new development as Ellie was only acting irritable and clingy.  I did call the pediatrician hoping that they would look a little harder for her fever source--UTI, perhaps? (we were in on Monday were the pedi saw perfect ear drums with patent ear tubes and heard fabulously clear sounding lungs.  Strep test was negative).  Oh did I mention the hives?  Two big whopping bright, beefy red hives just popped up out of no where on her legs and one appeared during the visit.   Seriously, what was going on with my peanut?

Within 20 minutes of having out at the pedi's office , Ellie's temp jumps up 5 degrees while Motrin was on board and she becomes more difficult to arouse.  She fell asleep after her urinary catheterization and I had trouble waking her.  I was banging on her back down her spine and she remained asleep.  Her bloodwork was also little wonky, not overly alarming, but when added to her fever, the focal seizure, and some tiny patches of petechiae, meningitis became a possibility.  I only know horrible horrible things about meningitis and my heart plummeted for I know how quickly a brain infection can progress.  Fear grips me.  I hold Ellie tighter.  My throat closing up, I called Andrew and tried to appear calm.

An ER visit.

By the time I arrive to the ER, Ellie Bear is complaining like a little banshee.  This is excellent for it means improvement!!!  Motrin had kicked in and her fever lowered by one degree.  Another great sign.  Plus, she half-hearted fought the blood pressure cuff--not like my usual Bearity Bear, but better than before.

I know that clinically, my daughter doesn't look horrible. Yet on paper, the symptoms are down right scary.  That is why you always look at the child first and foremost. 

Sometimes it is really hard for me to back away from my medical knowledge and not panic.  It is hard to look at my daughter objectively and not as a petrified parent so scared of losing her beloved baby.  I picture the Zebras.  In the medical world, we say "when you hear hoof beats, picture horses and not zebras."  That means your differential diagnoses should be the common things and not the rare--i.e. a fever could be from an ear infection or strep throat and not leukemia.  A headache is a headache and not a brain tumor.  I love Ellie so much and the thought of ever losing her paralyzes me.  When she is ill, all I can picture are the zebras.

My Ellie perked up just in time to reassure myself, Andrew, and the ER physician.  Her petechiae was not too impressive (almost nonexistent you could say).  Her platelets were low, but not in the critical range.  Ellie started to try and walk.  Her clinical picture greatly improved and the ER doc didn't feel the need to torture her with a lumbar puncture.  Instead, more blood was drawn and a CT scan of her brain was completed.  Her brain scan is normal and we are still waiting for blood culture results.

Returning home from the ER, I heard my little girl utter "dada dada" and then I knew that everything would be okay.




*For all of my Facebook friends who offered prayers and reassurance, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.*

**I actually wrote a post a few days ago, but haven't published it yet about my big fear of losing my daughter.  An irrational fear, but real to me.  Then today happens. Scary, but a happy ending.  May all of us hug our little ones a little tighter tonight and whisper those precious words of "I love you".**

Through the Eyes of a Person with an Anxiety Disorder

*I actually wrote this post well over 2 months ago and must admit that I was too scared to post it.  In fact, the past few weeks I have been toying with hitting that "publish" button.  Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a real mental disorder that I was diagnosed with over 10 years ago and even with all of the advertisements on TV for x,y,and z medications, there is still a huge stigma surrounding mental health issues.  Anxiety, sadly, is often passed off as no big deal or as everyone has it, but those with an actual anxiety disorder know how debilitating it can be. May is Mental Health Awareness month and AWF's big advocacy for mental health on StopDisabilitySlurs has motivated me to finally hit the "Publish" button on this post.*

It has been a while (a year already!) since I discussed my never-ending ( or so it seems) battle with depression and generalized anxiety disorder.  In addition to my own coping mechanisms,  I have been seeing a therapist for cognitive behavior therapy and medication.  My depression has mostly resolved itself and I had been doing well. Recently, I was weened off of my antidepressant and I did great.  For 1.5 weeks.  Then anxiety just mushroomed in my brain.  It became paralyzing to the extent that I could not focus on anything else.  I was sweaty and had a rapid heart rate.  I was hounding Andrew about things that seemed like such a big deal to me, but in reality were minuscule. 

I couldn’t hide it [anxiety] very well.  I tried to, but I kept hearing “are you alright?” from friends.  Of course I never told people the way I truly felt.  No one really wants to hear the truth, especially where mental health is involved.  It is still a taboo subject, unfortunately.  So instead I would use the blanket excuse of “I am just tired”.  An acceptable, all too common excuse used by many mothers. 

Generalized Anxiety Disorder [GAD] is a true mental health illness.  It is not some made up disorder and it can be extremely debilitating if not treated.  It affects all aspects of one’s life.  By that, I mean GAD affects my sleep, my relationships, my ability to perform day-to-day activities, and yes, shamefully, my parenting.

Anxiety is the result of a neurotransmitter imbalance.  Serotonin is the most commonly discussed neurotransmitter, but there are also norepinephrine and dopamine. I will not go into a full fledged biochemical, neurology lecture here, but suffice to say that an anxiety disorder is in an essence a brain disorder.  The misfiring and poor reuptake of neurotransmitters can manifest itself in the form of anxiety, depression, or bipolar just to name a few. 

Anxiety is not rationale.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  Actually, the hallmark characteristic about anxiety is that it is irrational.  It is feeling of a lack of control.  No one chooses to be anxious.  Come on!  Who would want to be in full-blown panic mode 24/7?  Plus, if I could control it, I wouldn’t be anxious now would I?  I am serious in that sometimes it is the anxiety disorder that is worse than the depressive disorder.  And sometimes, they go hand-in-hand.  

To get an idea of how a simple thought snowballs into a full blown, irrational thought catastrophe read on:

I have been out of work for nearly 3 years and in about 6 months, Ellie Bear will be in the school system.  That means I might, notice I said might, be returning to work part-time.  I assume that it would be reasonable for anyone to be a bit nervous about returning to work after such a long gap in employment. 

For me, this resulted in panic.  Paralyzing, all consuming panic.  No one would hire me.  I am unhireable.  What if they do hire me?  I do not remember how to practice medicine (uh, hey, I take continuing education classes and exams every year to stay licensed so I am not completely clueless).  Oh no, I cannot remember the treatment for mollescum contagiosum! I will accidentally kill someone (mollescum contagiosum is not deadly).  Then I really won’t have a job.  I will be in jail and someone will be without their child.  That thought then leads to: What if Ellie dies?  I will not survive. So for and so on.

If I am not hired, I will not have a job.  If I wait a few more years to work, there will be an even bigger gap in employment.  See above paragraph.

What if Andrew dies (See, I said irrational)?  How will I support me and Ellie?  Ellie will need support for most of her life and Andrew will be gone.  How can I afford the car and the house payments?  My parents will probably be gone by the time Andrew passes so Ellie and I will be alone.  I can't do this! They will take Ellie away from me because I cannot support her. . . I know!  I will sell the Supra!  Where is the key to the Supra?  I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THE KEY IS TO THE SUPRA AND I CANNOT SUPPORT THE FAMILY! (Yes, we own a Supra.  No you cannot steal it because 1. no keys & 2. no engine) 

Around and around it goes.  Over and over again.  Completely irrational, highly improbable thoughts, and yet it was all I could think about.  I was asking Andrew in depth questions about his life insurance (and where the key to the supra was).  

Telling a person with an anxiety disorder to “knock it off”, “snap out of it”, or “just stop thinking about it” is completely pointless and belittling.  Don’t you think we thought of that already and if we could “snap out of it” and easily redirect our thoughts we would?  So what now? After a therapy appointment and a visit to the psychiatrist, it was decided that maybe I need to restart my antidepressant (also great for anxiety due to its effect on serotonin).  Medication is so important and it is not something to be ashamed of.  Just as a diabetic needs the proper amount of insulin, a person with anxiety needs the proper amount of neurotransmitters.


How is it working for me?  I am doing better.  I am sleeping and I am able to focus on something outside my lack of employment.   Am I cured?  No, this is a lifelong battle.  I will continue my therapy appointments to fine tune my coping mechanisms and deal with flare ups as they occur.  I will continue to take medications that tend to have unfortunate side effects (ie increased hunger leading to weight gain.  Did I mention weight gain? , weight gain, sleepiness, sleeplessness).  I will do these things because I love my Ellie, I love my husband, and yes, I love myself.  

For more information on anxiety disorders, please check out these links:

Anxiety Disorders Association of America. http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad

National Institute of Mental Health: How to Get Help for Anxiety Disorders.http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/how-to-get-help-for-anxiety-disorders.shtml

National Association of Cognitive Behavior Therapists. What is CBT http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm

The Mayo Clinic-Generalized Anxiety Disorder http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502

National Alliance on Mental Illness. http://www.nami.org/

I would like to extend a special thank you to Meriah at With a Little Moxie who has hosted this Disability Connection Blog-Hop. 

Being Good Enough

The desire to be perfect is a common want.  The desire to be a perfect mother is so coveted.  Yet, we have all heard that we cannot be perfect, but we can be good enough.  However, I am often stressed and frazzled and left wondering "am I good enough?".

I want what is best for my child and imagine that what is best for Ellie is not always what is best for everyone else's child.  I am sure that is even true among siblings as each child is uniquely different.  The question is "how do I know what is best for Ellie?". It is that question that plagues me.  That leaves me spending large amounts of my free time researching.  Researching and worrying.

There is no joy in worrying.  It eats away at the soul and steals time away from your loved ones.  It robs you of your sleep.  It sucks the happiness out of your down time.

It is not productive to fixate on the things that cannot be changed.

Here is what I do know, my husband and I try to provide the appropriate therapies to help Ellie succeed.  We are trying to keep her socially engaged while providing her with "down time".  We obviously feed her, clothe her, and give her shelter.  Most importantly, we shower her with love and Ellie knows that she is loved by us.  I am going to try to take a step back from my incessant worrying and enjoy today because all of what I just wrote says that I am good enough.

What sorts of things do you worry about while parenting?

Alzheimers Disease

Anxiety is a constant companion of mine.  Anxiety about raising Ellie to the best of my ability.  Anxiety about getting Ellie all of the services she needs.  Anxiety about Ellie learning to talk.  Anxiety about being a good wife and a good daughter.  The list goes on and on.  One anxiety that I try to push into the back of my mind is Alzheimer's disease.

Bear is not a big fan of anxiety or Alzheimer's.

It is hypothesized that the genetic markers for Alzheimer's disease are carried on the 21st chromosome.  Children, like my Ellie, with Down syndrome carry 3 copies of the 21st chromosome in every cell.  Therefore, it seems almost inevitable that if my daughter lives into her 50's or 60's she will very likely be diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.  I then panic a bit because by the time she may have Alzheimer's I will be practically 80 and possibly senile too.  Can you imagine?!  Oh and not to mention Andrew.  He will be an ancient old fart.

Me? Old?  Never!  I am just a little Bear-Bear.

I must admit that I do not know a whole lot about Alzheimer's.  Sure, I learned a little bit in nursing school, but I am a pediatric person so I didn't exactly get a full understanding of the disease.  Mostly what I know comes from news articles, movies, and acquaintances' experiences.  It seems to me that the early stages of Alzheimer's are very scary for the individual.  Imagine driving home from the grocery store.  You drive the same route weekly.  Then imagine getting lost on the way back.  You cannot figure out just how to get home.  Talk about scary!  Imagine the fear of knowing that it will only get worse.  As the disease progresses, it seems that it really takes a toll on the family members, imagine that your mother no longer recognizes you.  That she forgets to eat and forgets how to use a fork.

Will my little girl forget I am her mama?

Going back to my anxiety, Down syndrome and Alzheimer's.  My Aunt Peg has Down syndrome and she just celebrated her 53rd birthday (whoot whoot!).  Aunt Peg is showing signs of Alzheimer's disease.  In the beginning, she started having trouble remembering all of the steps on using the bathroom (i.e. how to pull her pants back up).  She forgot how to make a sandwich.  Peggy is smart and she knew that this was not normal.  She became scared and then depressed. The disease has progressed and she now no longer remembers my father's name half the time.  She does know that he is her brother, but sometimes he is Dan and sometimes he is Buddy, and sometimes he is just "brother".  She can no longer work.  This causes me great anxiety because I see that this may be the same road for Ellie and Ellie has no siblings to look out of her.  (yes, yes, I know that this is all irrational and unnecessary worry, but that is the definition of anxiety).  Anyway, the thing is, Aunt Peg is happy.  She is being treated for depression and while it is hard for those of us to watch this disease progress and steal her memories, she is happy.  That is all any of us can ask for. . . happiness.

Do not borrow trouble from tomorrow.

I am not going to focus on what might happen to Ellie in the very distant future and I am going to rejoice in Aunt Peg's happiness.



References:
Alzheimer's and Down Syndrome. National Down Syndrome Society. Viewed online dec. 2011 at
http://www.ndss.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=180&limitstart=1

Alzheimer's Disease and Down Syndrome: Dual Diagnosis.  Alzheimer's Association. Viewed online dec. 2011 at http://www.alz.org/cincinnati/documents/DownAD.pdf

Endoscopy Update

After a night of tossing and turning with nightmares featuring punctured esophaguses, bleeding vessels, a perforated small intestine, and death (DEATH due to anesthesia), I awake to a hungry, cranky Ellie Bear.

DO NOT FEED THE BEAR.
"Please feed me.  I am SO hungry."

Cranky Bear was permitted to drink clear fluids for a few hours in the morning.  These clear liquids found their way all over my hand and her shirt while at The Coffee Beanery & Tea Leaf.  "Could I please have a napkin?  Don't worry, it is just some regurgitation of pedialyte."

Ellie Bear aka "the Human Water Fountain"

My dear friend Sheryl and her little Jack-A-Roo had us over for a relaxing, pre-op playdate.  Nothing like distraction to bring a smile to Ellie's face and to ease my Mama Bear fears.

Pre-op cruising in the wagon.  She is totally stylin' in yellow

"Look!  I am driving"

The Bear rocked her endoscopy.  Needless worry on my part.  Have I ever mentioned that I have an anxiety disorder?

Aren't they beautiful?  All pretty and pink.  No irritation, redness, or funky growths.

See the esophageal sphincter and the pyloric sphincter?  Also beautiful and lovely.

Post-op: "I will rip this IV out with my teeth if I have to!"

Seven biopsies were collected--2 from the esophagus, one from the stomach, and two from the stomach.  The mucosa looks NORMAL!!!!!!!  Whoot whoot!  Normal villi of the small intestine (tiny hairs) that make the likelihood of celiac's disease very low!!!!  Yippy!  The sphincters "opened easily" as per Doc B.  Happy dance!

Going home.

Apparently, Ellie Bear does NOT have reflux.  Huh?  This is good news.  This is baffling news.  Way back in the day, her barium swallow showed reflux, but perhaps she outgrew it.  The lovely pictures above pretty much prove there is no reflux.

The big question is: what is causing the spitting up?

The answer:  I do not know.  The doctor does not know.

Mama bear, with a knack for excessive worrying and a perchance for shear panic, does not do well with uncertainty or "I do not know.".  Nonetheless, I am relieved that we are able to rule one thing out.  I am relieved that she does not have any upper GI damage do to stomach acid.  I am relieved that there were no funky polyps, or growths, or papillomas, or tumors, or ulcers or anything else I can imagine.   (also teething, drooling, and excessive saliva are not causing this).

Didn't you know that hospital anklets are all the rage these days?

Now, we wait.  We wait for the biopsy results.  Even though all looks fabulous to the naked eye via endoscope, there can be some eosinophilic esophagitis due to some allergy.  As to what she would be allergic to--well, that is another question.  Chronic antihistamine use might be in our future.  Either that or we will have a chronic spitter.

"The happy juice is making me feel a little drunk right now."

The Chunky Chicken (Tuna of the Sea) doing fabulously.  Thank you for all of your well wishes, prayers, and support.  It means so much to our family.  Thank you!

Look out Amelie and Tama!

A Tad Bit Nervous

Tomorrow is Ellie's endoscopy (reflux and more reflux) with a possibly biopsy of her esophagus.  I must admit that I am a tad bit nervous.  I am nervous about the anesthesia, the procedure, and the findings.  Ooh, and then the treatment.  You would think my darling, wee little Ellie Bear never had surgery before.

In fact, I am sure that I look a bit like this:

Eh, perhaps I am a bit more anxious--thinking full blown panic mode.

I shall sign off with happy Ellie Bear photos since I must instigate pre-op starvation at 3:00am.  That will lead to a Miss Cranky Pants practicing her Robert Plant / Axel Rose / Steve Tyler screeching.

Coping with Depression: Recognizing the Signs & Getting Help

I would like to introduce to you Gretchen Mather of Julian's Journey: Life as We Know It.  Gretchen and I are blogging cyber buddies.  We have been reading and commenting on each other's blog for a while now and I am thrilled to have her a guest blogger today. I am always struck not only by the amazing cuteness of Julian, but also by her complete honesty and raw emotions so beautifully written in her blog.  I sincerely hope that after reading her guest post, you decide to continue on following Julian's Journey.

Coping with Depression: Recognize the Signs & Getting Help

Here I am, on the Chronicles of Ellie Bellie Bear blog (hi everyone and thanks Anna!) typing to figure out where to begin. Anna asked me to talk a little more about my experience with depression and I thought it was a great idea. I hope that with this post, I can help others who are currently depressed cope with their feelings and find the right treatment.

You see, I experienced a severe depression after my son Julian was born. I have a history of post-partum depression and suicide that runs in the family.

If you are reading this and are currently depressed, PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS GOING TO FEEL THIS WAY.  Read on for my story and how to cope. 

Here is a bit more about my story:

I am living proof of someone who has been to the point of being suicidal and now am truly feeling happiness again.  How did I know I was depressed? Well, I was unhappy most of all of every day. I would get up in the morning and think "crap, another day I have to get through".  Living each second of every day was torture.   I didn't even have the energy to eat.  I lost my appetite and lost about 15 pounds.  Other signs and symptoms of depression include frequent thoughts of death and suicide.  Here are some facts from www.dbsaboston.org (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance of Boston):

Common symptoms of clinical depression include:

• Prolonged feelings of sadness, anxiety, or hopelessness
• Sense of impending doom or disaster
• Reduced enjoyment and pleasure
• Loss of energy and motivation
• Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Indecisiveness, reduced concentration, slow thinking
• Significant changes in appetite and/or sleep patterns
• Social withdrawal
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

Key Facts About Depression

In any given year depression affects up to 20 million Americans, or 10 percent of the adult population.

• Women are twice as likely as men to experience major depression: One in four women, as opposed to one in eight men, is likely to experience a mood disorder in her lifetime.
• Two out of three people with mood disorders do not get proper treatment because their symptoms are not recognized, blamed on personal weakness, or misdiagnosed.
• When properly treated, 90 percent of people with mood disorders can be helped.
• People with untreated severe depression have a suicide rate of about 15 percent

How Do You Know If You Are Depressed?

If you have been feeling down or sad for at least two weeks in a row consistently, all day of every day, then you might want to seek out the help of a therapist to talk about how you are feeling and determine if you are depressed.  Signs that you might be depressed are below (from www.webmd.com):
 

• persistently sad, anxious, or empty moods
• loss of pleasure in usual activities (anhedonia)
• feelings of helplessness, guilt, or worthlessness
• crying, hopelessness, or persistent pessimism
• fatigue or decreased energy
• loss of memory, concentration, or decision-making capability
• restlessness, irritability
• sleep disturbances
• change in appetite or weight
• physical symptoms that defy diagnosis and do not respond to treatment (especially pain and gastrointestinal complaints)
• thoughts of suicide or death, or suicide attempts
• poor self-image or self-esteem (as illustrated, for example, by verbal self-reproach)

Physical signs of depression:

• appearance of preoccupation
• lack of eye contact
• memory loss, poor concentration, and poor abstract reasoning
• pacing, hand wringing, and pulling on hair
• psychomotor retardation or agitation, such as slowed speech, sighs, and long pauses
• self-deprecatory manner, or belligerence and defiance (especially in adolescents)
• slowed body movements, even to the extent of being motionlessness or catatonia
• tearfulness or sad countenance

A bit about my mental health history
Before Julian was born, I had a history of anxiety and panic attacks but that was treated by some therapy and yoga for relaxation.  I was not on any medication to manage my anxiety.  I had also had two drug induced psychotic episodes in college (brought on after smoking marijuana) which I didn't think too much of at the time - I chalked it up to drug experimentation and a strange reaction.  Later, I realized this was substance induced psychosis. 

I haven't had a chance yet to write down my experiences in detail about my psychosis experiences (before and after Julian was born) and will likely leave that to another day (I touch upon it briefly in Gretchen's story on my blog). You can feel free to leave ANY AND ALL questions or comments about psychosis on my blog or here because it might help trigger some thoughts in order to start writing about it. 

When the trouble began....

The trouble for started not with depression, but with a psychotic episode a couple days after Julian was born which landed me in the mental hospital since this is a very serious condition.  The general definition of psychosis is "loss of contact with reality" usually characterized by hallucinations and delusions.   I spent 9 days in McClean

I was released from the hospital and came home to a 2 week old baby Julian that I frankly didn't know how to take care of and didn't have much attachment to.  It was hard for me to distinguish if these feelings were related to the fact that he had Down syndrome (unexpectedly) and I was having trouble coping with that (which I was), or if I was depressed.  I was able to determine that yes, I was sad and grieving the typically developing baby that I expected. However, I was also clinically depressed.  I also learned that it is pretty common for new mothers who are depressed to not feel any attachment to their babies. 

And then, the depression came on strong

Life went on.  I tried to get through the days.  But I wasn't feeling much joy, and on top of trying to absorb the information about my new baby who has special needs, I was trying to sort out my mental health.  People reached out to me thank goodness.  I had a therapist that I had seen for a few years prior that helped me to find a Post Partum Depression support group in the area.   I highly recommend this.  I went every Wednesday for an hour to share thoughts and feelings with other mothers.  The group was called "This Isn't What I Expected."  

If you don't have someone to talk to, please please please get help.  Go to a therapist. Call your insurance company to ask them who in the area is covered and who they can recommend.  Or call a friend to ask them to help you. Call or talk to ANYONE. The key is reaching out and telling people how you are feeling and letting them help care for you. 

Especially if you are a new mom or a mom having another child, often in this society people think that mothers are feeling uber joy after their babies are born.  No one talks about the fact that it is quite typical that moms feel unattached, sad, depressed.  This post partum group for me was a place where it was OK to voice your feelings and "normalize" them. 

Weekly therapy, doctor support

I saw a psychiatrist every week. She managed my meds.  I went to weekly therapy sessions.  My family helped take care of Julian.  In fact, they were taking care of him - I wasn't.  I couldn't really get through the days and needed a lot of support.  During one of the toughest times in my depression when I was very suicidal, I had my mom come and stay with me.  She would take care of me and cook for me and make sure I got up in the morning, encourage me to shower, encourage me to take a walk around the neighborhood.   I can not tell you how amazing that was for me to have her there. And my husband Tom of course played a HUGE role in helping me cope.  It took a big toll on everyone though.  It was not easy. 

How do you cope when you are depressed?

Well let's see.  I guess I kept thinking about the words from my therapist - YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY, I PROMISE.  When you are depressed, everything is the worst thing in the world. You feel absolutely no joy in anything.  I would look in the mirror and think about killing myself.  I didn't see beauty in the world, I couldn't enjoy the sunshine, I didn't care about the beautiful flowers blooming.  Nothing mattered. I wanted to die. Why was life worth living anyway? 

So if you are or have thought any of these thoughts, then he is what I suggest you do:

1) GET PROFESSIONAL HELP.  Go to someone who is trained to help you. 
2) DAILY SELF CARE. Try to do the little things every day, like shower, get dressed, comb your hair - I know this is very very VERY hard to do when you are depressed.  But you can do it.  I know you can. I did.
3) EAT. I was not hungry EVER when I was depressed.  yes, I said NEVER. I would never ever get hungry.  So I had to try to eat whenever I could (mostly people would force me to eat).
4) FIND A SUPPORT GROUP in your area.  I know, it is hard enough to get dressed, how are you going to get out of the house? Ask a friend or relative to drive you if this would help (that is what I did)
5) MEDICATION.  Medication helps correct the imbalances in your brain.  I am still on anti-depressants and they help me feel like I do today which is HAPPY. Believe me, do it.
6) EXERCISE.  Take small walks (again if you need help from friends or family, ask them to come and take you out).
7) SOCIALIZE.  I know you will not feel like planning anything yourself or even not have any fun when you get together with people.  But you need to force yourself (or ask a friend or relative to help you plan social occasions).  It is important that you get some interactions every day.
8)  and lastly, like I have said before KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF THAT YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY.

With the proper help from professionals, YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.  As someone who was suicidal and spent time in a mental institution to recover, I was at the bottom of the barrel.  I am now back at the top - working a full time job in the industry I love, raising my beautiful boy Julian, and loving and enjoying life again.  It was not easy to get where I am today, but do not give up.  Do not let yourself give up. Even on your darkest days, please remember that it will get better. I promise.  But you have to help yourself get better too.

If you want to contact me with ANY questions at all, please feel to leave a comment here or at my blog or send an email to glm0210@yahoo.com. You can also follow me on Twitter @julians_journey.

Thanks again Anna for letting me be your guest!