Saturday, January 2, 2010

I Will Get Through This

I find myself constantly repeating the mantra "this too shall pass" and I really hope it does.  With depression, the neurotransmitters are all butting heads. In my case, the serotonin and norepinephrine. There are too many receptors for some and not enough for others.  That leaves the brain's wiring all tangled and leads to irrational thought patterns.  This means that I feel doomed and that things will forever be this way.

I would like to think that the increase in Lexapro from 2 weeks ago was successful, but I would be kidding myself otherwise so it looks like Dr. S will be getting a follow-up phone call from me come Monday.  I am scared because I have maxed out my Lexapro dosage and I have already tried several other meds.  Again, the doomsday thought processing--is there any medicine left that can help me?

Poor Andrew has been so supportive and helpful, but I know that this is hard from him too.  He went from helping out with Sophie and Ellie to also helping me out--physically (back problems) and emotionally.

Simple tasks seem like mountains to climb.  For instance, I needed to pack for our trip to Plano.  It was/is a simple 2 day trip.  I cried and stressed which I know are completely unproductive so I tried some of my cognitive-behavior-therapy strategies.  I made  baby-steps of packing Ellies feeding supplies, then her diapering supplies, then clothes, then Sophie's food so forth and so on.  Only I lost it when I couldn't pack some of Sophie's toys because I couldn't bend down and get them off the floor!  I couldn't pack our travel toiletries in the traveling pack because they were in the lower cabinet!  Fortunately my very patient and very loving husband reassured me and helped me out.

I have a job and it is a big job--take care of house, Ellie, furbabies, and be a good wife/mother/daughter/friend.  I feel like I am failing in all of them.  I cannot pick up Ellie without help.  I cannot lift her carrier.  I cannot do her physical therapy on the floor anymore.  I cannot play fetch with Sophie.  I cannot use the leash on her.  Laundry is near impossible without help.  Sure, I can get them into the washer but I cannot reach down and transfer the clothes to the dryer or then get them into the dryer.   I am crying in the middle of the night with the irrational fear that Andrew will leave me because I am a burden and a kleenex sodden mess.  It is stupid and I know this.  Ellie is alive, fed, warm, and knows that her mommy loves her.  My furbabies are loved, fed, clean and know that I love them.  Andrew knows that I love him and value him.  I know that I will be better with a combination work, meds, therapy, supportive friends, and my faith in God.  So I say, this too shall pass.

3 comments:

  1. Sorry girl. I know how hard it is and how overwhelming it all can feel. Hang in there and if you need anything let me know.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Want me to come to Austin and do your laundry? I'll bring chocolate. But I will request payment in the form of snuggles from Ellie Bear.
    ~Maria

    ReplyDelete
  3. It gets overwhelming, I know. Can't imagine having to do it all with a painful back. We never did lunch, let's try again sometime.

    ReplyDelete

I love your comments and I read each and every single one of them.