Stomping Down Depression and Getting Out

This depression/anxiety will not get the best of me.  I have had episodes before and I will stomp this one down into the ground too.  It isn't fair to Ellie, to my Andrew, to my 3 wacky four-legged babies, or to myself.

Yep, boots.  Literally.  Ellie in socks because she hates boots and shoes for that matter.

I have made it my mission this week to get out of the house with Ellie every day.  Therapy and doctor's appointments do not count.  Our outings must be fun-filled and preferably involve other people.

It sounds relatively simple, right?  Oh no.  I just want to sleep.  All. The. Time.  My sleep quality is poor.  My amount of sleep is poor.  Doesn't that sound like normal mother thing?  Yep.  Such is life. Yet, I think it might be a huge factor in my depression.  It has always been a trigger.  Lack of it [sleep], I mean.
 

Ellie, the superfast crawler.  

I am so tired that I want to go down for the night when Ellie hits the sack.  However, I have been informed that 7pm is too early for my bedtime and I have things to do.  Like laundry.  Like dishes.  Like this blog. Like maybe I should bond with my hubby who works so hard so that I can be a SAHM.  So alas, I do not sneak into bed at 7pm.  Plus, it really is too early for a night owl such as myself.

True bedtime arrives and I have been hit with my second wind.  I lay there and listen to Andrew snore or the Tama meow.  Or listen to the hum of our super silent energy efficient dishwasher that is in the complete other part of the house.  Well, at least I think that is what I am hearing.  Thoughts of what all needs to be done filter into my mind.  Then, I find myself sending off one more email.  And then another.  Oh and maybe I should start on the next blog post.  I have tried creating a list each night, color-coded, of course, to prevent this.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes I get stressed about the list.  Maybe I should toss the list?

Guess who motivates her to walk?  Not Mommy.  Not Daddy.
Sophie of the Princess Puppy Paw-Paws!

Wake-up time comes all too early.  Recently, the Bear wakes in the middle of the night due to those pesky evil teeth that I talk so much about.  Molars?  Who needs them?  Apparently, Ellie does and they are coming in at full throttle.  Gums bleeding and all.  Poor little Bear has a scrape on her finger from using her hand as a teething ring.  Boo!  Not to mention this little Bear-Bear got the VERY early-to-rise gene from my father.  I try to let her hang out in her crib for a little bit until it is an appropriate hour in the morning for people to be awake, yet I lay in bed listening to her.  Listening for any sign that she might need me.  I finally get up, but all I want to do is burrow down deeper into my covers and pull my pillow over my head.  Wait?  What?  Oh there is a dog actively licking my face.  Sleep no more.

I love waking up to this.

And this.

I have been wishing the morning away.  Waiting for naptime when I could potentially lay down.  Yet again, I have things to do.  It is a real popular time for people to call our house.  So sometimes I shut off the phone, but wait! I am waiting for the Upper GI results.   It is also a real popular time for UPS and FedEx to deliver things.  This sends Sophie a barking.  The house is under attack!  We must bark very loud and incessantly to alert Mommy and wake up all beings in a 20 mile radius!

Alright, I am done complaining.  I am leaving self-pity-land.  Back to the mission at hand!

So far, we are doing great and most of our outings are scheduled for the week and in the morning which are most difficult for me.

Take a wild guess who she is so excited to play with?  Cannot even fathom a guess?
Really?  It is going to be a real shocker.  I just know it. . .
Sophie Dog, of course!

Yesterday we had an enjoyable playdate with a friend of mine and her little boy.  I forgot all about wanting to sleep and embraced this one-on-one playdate.  Her little towhead is just darling and kept hugging me and touching Ellie's hair.  Ellie has a lot of hair so I can see why he was so enthralled with it.  As for the hugs, oh it just touched my heart to have some extra snuggling from such a sweet little boy.  Sheryl, oh how I wish I brought my camera.  I have come to believe that a good hug from a dear friend and good hugs from a little child can soothe the soul and mind.


Today was our weekly playgroup.  Have I mentioned lately how much I love this playgroup?  I love this playgroup.  It all started last year.  It was a way for me to get out of the house with a newborn.  It was a way to meet other mommies with kiddos around Ellie's age.  They were and still are my rock.  They listen to me ramble and do not care that there is spit-up on my shirt.  Or that Ellie spit up in front of them.  Or that Ellie tries to sit on their laps.  There is something magical about this mom's group.  They do not judge and they are completely supportive.  They cheer for Ellie and love her triumphs.  They help us through the trials.  They do not have to do that, but they do.  Each and every member.

I am relatively positive Ellie loves Sophie the best.

On a side note, I have yet again discovered that it is the oat allergy that scares me more than anything.  Down syndrome, oh peh shaw.  Oats bring out the crazy in me.  Children's playgrounds and playscapes scare me.  Kids have Cheerios.  They love Cheerios.  They drop the Cheerios.  They share the Cheerios. Cheerios have oats.  I probably come across as a stark raving mama bear when I yank the offending foods out of Ellie's reach or her hand and then do a quick finger sweep ready to whip out my EpiPen Jr.  Down syndrome will not kill her, but oats will.  You can guess what happened today at an indoor playscape involving a mother that I didn't know leaving piles of Cheerios around and a fast crawling Super Ellie?  Crisis was averted.

Rescued! Make A Difference

Just a few short days ago, Patti from A Perfect Lily started a Give Away.  A Pure Love GiveAway (where I blogged about the horrors of Eastern Europe institutions) to help three children through Reece's Rainbow.

Since then, enough funds have been raised for Kareen's and Olga's adoption grant.

NEWS: A Family Found Him!  
Peter's soulful eyes spoke to a family.  A family who knows that Peter is meant to be with them.  The process has started and now Peter has been moved to the "Rescued" page of Reece's Rainbow.  http://reecesrainbow.org/category/rescued 

Peter, still needs funds for his adoption grant.  Even just a small amount $5, $10 would help united Peter with his forever family.  Donations can be made directly through A Perfect Lily.  Allow the page to load the paypal on the sidebar.  Spread the word.  Spread the hope.  Spread the love.  Make a difference.

The GiveAway ends on 2/11 at midnight.  Prizes include iPad, giftcards, Nikon camera, etc.

Pulling Up By the Boot Straps

I want to thank everyone for their kind words of encouragement from my previous post.  It is daunting to put such private thoughts and feelings out there like that and it was amazing to have so many people comment, email or Facebook (is that a word?) me.  I am not a lone and I now have some new coping skills to add to my arsenal.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Am I better?  No.  Will I be?  Yes.  Will there continue to be ups and downs?  Of course.  Such is life and such is the battle with GAD and major depressive disorder.

Ellie Heart's-A-Lot Bear

There is nothing like a little photography therapy to soothe the soul.

Two bones.  Which one will Sophie choose?  And it goes to the Red bone.

Ellie: "Oh please bring the bone to me.  Oooh ooh please, bring it to me so that I may taste and then throw it for you.  Then you can bring it back to me.  I will drop the bone for you again and then you can get it and give it back to me.  Please.  Please."

I recently downloaded a trial of Photoshop Elements.  Tips would be much appreciated.  I do not think of myself a professional photographer by any means.  I just really enjoy taking photos and it is even more exciting when you have an excellent subject such as my daughter or my darling furbabies (Tama excluded as she loathes the camera).  Looking into Ellie's Baby Blues (and well Sophie dog's puppy eyes with her little ear quirked up for that matter) make me melt into a puddle of mommy mush.

Anyway, I am enjoying all of the editing features of Photoshop (when I can manipulate the tools they way I want to), but I find the Organizer difficult to use as well as trying to upload to photobucket.  I found myself moving the photos into the Mac's iPhoto, which is what I was using previously.  Then moving them to my desktop and then to photobucket.  As it turns out, after much wasted time and tons of frustration (so much for soothing my soul) I was not saving them into JPEG mode. Oops.  I have lost some photos and had other editing issues which makes me want to beat my head against a wall.  Frustration partially undoes the happy, warm, and fuzzy feeling created when taking the photos.  Ack!  It seems like I have a lot to learn and a lot of tutorials to view.  Thus far, I believe I like the editing in Photoshop, but love the organization of iPhoto.  Plus I am now trying to use Photobucket to upload onto the blog as I have *gasp* run out of free storage space with blogger/google/picasa (they are all the same--photos saved to picasa).

So please bear with me while I try to figure out all of these photo options.

Hum.  I think that I will try to stand up from this step.  Let me just throw my water down.  It is all good.  Sophie dog is here to watch me.

Look!  Look!  Look at that!
I stood up all by myself and I cannot figure out why Mama is crying.
Perhaps I should try to go to her.

Mama?  Mama?  Mama?  I am coming to you.  Why are you crying and clapping?

In case anyone was wondering, we survived the BIG snowstorm of 2011.  I chuckle a bit as I say this as I am not a native Austinite.  I come from the land of St. Louis and Philadelphia where there is snow during the winter.  Where it is cold during the winter.  Where people have snow scrapers, coats, snow boots, and shovels.  In Austin, we consider 50 degrees cold I do not even think we have snow plows.  A half-inch of snow shut down restaurants, schools, and Ellie's gastroenterologist's office so I still do not have the results from the Upper GI.  The following day, it reach 70 degrees and there were no longer signs of snow. Houston and Corpus, I hope that you guys are okay.

Off to bake cookies and figure out which team I feel like rooting for in tonight's Super Bowl game.

Fighting Depression

April 12, 2008

September 16, 2009

I have been struggling to write this post off and on since I first started this blog.  Since I was 13 years-old, I have been battling with depression and generalized anxiety disorder [GAD].  Sometimes I think it goes hand in hand with my majorly type-A personality.  Worrying is perhaps the definition of Type-A when things do not go as planned or when things are out of our control.  I have my neurotransmitters [serotonin and norepinephrine] pretty well balanced with a combination of medication, therapy, and cognitive behavior strategies.  However, sometimes, it rears it ugly head (especially when there is lack of sleep) and I have trouble coping.  I have trouble balancing life and things seem bleak.  I get frustrated, but I also feel hopeless.

Sophie & Amelie = Friends

Ellie at 3 months
Sleeping Angel

Ellie has DS and I try not to focus on it too much, but sometimes it is hard not to when you have a developmental therapist coming throughout the month along with multiple doctor's appointments with "ologist" after their name.  I love my little Ellie, but sometimes I just want to scream "WHY  CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A REGULAR DAY WITHOUT ANYTHING SCHEDULED???"

Rock Baby

My Love, My Soulmate

Sometimes I think we paint a very rosy picture.  We want so much for our children with that extra special chromosome to be accepted like everyone else.  We want total inclusion.  We want them to be treated just like other kids.  We want people not to be afraid of a child with DS or be afraid of being pregnant with a baby with DS.  So we make life seem so "typical" and for the most part, it is.   Ellie will do things that other kids can do.  She will go to school and possibly college.  She will perhaps get married and hopefully to a man that I approve of.  She will be a contributing member of society.  Yes, these things are all true.  She is a super star with such determination and motivation that I wish I had growing up.

Sweet Angel

Ellie and Mama at Thanksgiving 2010

However, it is a CHALLENGE.   The road to Holland is HARD.  It is not all peaches and cream. We are blessed that Ellie does not have many of the health issues associated with trisomy 21 (believe me, I know many people whose road is much more treacherous and difficult).  Yet, that does not mean we do not have to visit all of these specialists on a regular basis and get all sorts of tests to monitor for these problems.  It is often difficult for friends to understand that "no we cannot have a play date, because we are too busy forcing barium down her throat for an Upper GI".  No, we cannot meet up for fun and games, because she is having ear surgery or we are having blood drawn or an EKG or yet another doctor's appointment.  These things exhaust Ellie (and mommy) and wipe out the entire day.

Our Family
Christmas 2010

I thought that I had accepted this a long time ago, but sometimes these feelings come forth and rear their ugly heads. I try to stomp them back down, but then there is a trigger.  Right now, I would say the trigger is the lack of sleep associated with Ellie being sick, the ear surgery, and some GI testing.

Ballerina Bear-Bear

Andrew and Ellie preparing for the Buddy Walk
October 2010

Then there are my feelings that we clearly must be the only people in Austin who have a child with DS (I know that is not true as I have been with DSACT and the Buddy Walk).  Just once, I would love to walk down the aisles of a grocery store or Target and see another person with DS.  Nope, in the past 16.5 months, that has not happened.  Sometimes I feel so alone and the thing is, I know that I am not alone.  I know that there are other people out there blessed with children with DS.  I know that there are other people blessed with children who are differently abled.  We all must face challenges.  Every parent does.  I know that we are blessed with Ellie.  We are so fortunate that she is a mostly healthy little girl.  I am blessed to have a great Internet support group as well as my friends, family, and local mother's group.

Happiness and Joy
Summer 2010

The Face of Innocence
January 2010

I will conquer this depressive episode.  I will strive to be the best wife and mother I can be.  It is time for me to reach out to one of my coping skills.  One that I will share with you.  These pictures always life my spirits.

Father-Daughter Moment
January 2011

Information on Depression: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

Information on Anxiety: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml

National Alliance on Mental Illness: http://www.nami.org/

Ellie's Developmental Update

It has been a while since I have done a full blown post on Ellie's developmental progress.  Yes, Ellie is still rocking developmental therapy with Jan.  Yes, it is still every other week.   Yes, we are developing new skills and exercises for the Toddler Bootcamp.  I just have been a bit lackadaisy in blogging about it.

Today I will mainly focus on the Fine Motor Skills as Chick-A-Boom is doing awesome in the whole "taking steps " department.  That's right.  I said steps.  As in plural.  Super Bear!!!!

Fine Motor:

For months, we have been encouraging Ellie to use her pointer finger.  As in "it would be so nice if she could point to which type of cracker she wants" pointing.  Or just pointing at what she wants in general.   

Remember the egg carton?  That has been played with so much that it is now all crinkly and is beyond recognition.  It is time for new instruments, I mean toys.

Jan is excellent at coming up with household items for developmental tools.  This visit:  BOXES

Peg Board:

This is a baby shoe box and I poked holes in using a pen.  I tried to make it more enticing with glitter glue and sparkle ink around the holes.  Yeah, I think I need to do a little bit better job--it isn't symmetrical which is driving me nuts and it isn't very pretty so I will be making a new one after Bear's bedtime.  As of now, Ellie is more interested in shaking the box, but she has tried to put her fingers in the holes.  Which is exactly the point behind this make-shift peg board.

Block Box:

This is an Amazon.com box with a square cut out of it.  I had to wrap it in pretty paper to get her attention and then cover it completely with packaging tape so that she wouldn't tear off and eat the paper.   You all know how much I love packaging tape.  I use it on everything. . . really, everything.  I do not even own scotch tape so my nieces and nephews had great fun opening up their Christmas gifts.  Okay, back to the topic.

Hum, I much rather bang these blocks together.  Maybe taste them too.

Look!  Look!  She is putting it IN the box!  

In the box

Trying to get it out

Around Christmas-time, many friends and family asked about what to give Ellie.  We suggested toys that would help hone in on Ellie's fine motor abilities and help her learn about shapes.  The Ellie Bear is now excellent at dropping plastic balls into a toy school bus, a toy gumball machine, and a toy ball dropper.  I refer to the holes as "The Circle" and she seems to get it.

Ball Dropper

V-Tech School Bus

This makes me think of Sandra Boynton's book Blue Hat, Green Hat

Oops.

Yellow Pants, 

Red Pants,

Green Pants,

Oops.

(the turkey has the blue pants on his head)



Gross Motor:
Steps!  Ellie took 6 independent steps during music class today.  She stood up in the middle of the circle and just moseyed on up to Miss Shara and tried to grab the guitar.  Of course, come time for therapy, the Bear decided that she doesn't want to walk.  Crawling is much more efficient.

Push-pull toys.  We have the shopping cart from Awa Grandma and 2 other push-pull toys borrowed from friends.  Ellie does not want to walk with them.  She wants to walk around the toys while holding on.  Again introducing the BOX.  We have a large box (actually it is the box the shopping cart came in) that we did get her to push across the floor while walking.  It worked nicely during therapy.  Now let's see if she will use it without Jan being around.  Ellie is quirky like that.

Guess I have to give her food now.  She walked with the box.

Ellie has to work for her food.  She has to sign for it and now she has to WALK to the highchair.  It can be holding onto my hands or using the box, but she needs to have a goal or a destination.  Some kind of motivation.


Speech:
We had a little set back--with the ear infection, ear surgery, and the Upper GI study, we had to start back at the basics for signing.  The past few weeks have been her Robert Plant screaming.  Think of the beginning part of "The Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin.  Aaaaaah. aaaaah.  Oh we come from the land of the ice and snow. . ..

"Eat"

Eat. aka FEED ME NOW!

"Cracker"

Her version of Cracker

"Mama" is a consistent word in this household :-)  Yay!  Andrew is also "mama".  I have whipped out the "ME" book to demonstrate "dada", but it hasn't clicked yet.  Caregivers = Mama.

She is echoing "lalala" and now "bababa".  No new sounds and no new signs, but Jan says that is because she is so focused on gross motor right now.  I get it because Ellie Bear is in the I. Must. Stand. All. The. Time. state of mind.

Run Run As Fast As You Can. & Rolling Blackouts

Well, I figure I better hurry up and post this before it is our turn for the rolling blackout.  Goody.  Remember how it was 78 degrees and sunny the other day? We were hanging out with short sleeves and chalk?  Not even 24 hours later we hit the 20s.  Now we have a nice windchill of 2 degrees and Dallas needs our electricity. . . okay, back to the post!

You can't catch me.
I am the Ellie Bear-Bear.


Yes, I am well aware that it does not rhyme, but I never said that literature and grammar were my strong subjects.  Besides, it is late and my brain shut down a few hours ago.

She can crawl, she can stand, and she can. . .

CLIMB!

We have a stone wall across the whole length of the living room.  It is an amazing work of architecture.  There is a fireplace in the center of the wall which we never use as this is Texas.  There is a stone hearth that also runs the length of the living room.  It is the perfect height for Ellie to cruise.  It also causes me to live in mommy fear that Ellie will fall, bonk her head, bleed, get a concussion, and slip into a coma.  Yet here I am closely watching her. . .  with the camera.

Ellie, the future mountain climber

You guessed it, she has her blanket in her mouth as she navigates the stone hearth.

Notice how she felt the need to just hang out with her blanket and stacking block. 

Perhaps she would like to rest with a cup of tea? 

Preparing for the descent.

Dog.  

She just snuck right in there.

Whew!  She survived the excursion.  My heart is returning back to its baseline rate.  Now Ellie is grinning and showing off one of her molars.

Next up.  Walking. . .stay tuned.

A Pure Love Give Away

As many of you know, I follow the blog "A Perfect Lily".  Many of you also know that I cry every time I read her posts.  Dear Patti is THAT moving.  She is THAT inspiring.  Patti is also the wonderful and courageous mother of Lily who posted the Worthy of Life Video (refresh the link's page to see the video) of 100 children with DS (including our Ellie Bear) in response to a comment on the article "Will Babies With Down Syndrome Slowly Disappear?"   


Since then, there has been a recap on the article which can be read here where is specifically mentions the moving video.   http://childrenshospitalblog.org/against-my-better-judgement-a-week-in-review/ 


At this point, if you watched the above video in this post, you are probably 1. sobbing and 2. wondering where am I going with this.  A Pure Love GiveAway is happening as we speak.  Many people are working hard to bring home:

NEWS Since 1st Posting:  Olga has a Forever Family Waiting!

Olga

Kareen

Peter

Working to get them a full adoption grant so that they will not be placed in a mental institution.  Children in Eastern Europe with disabilities are shunned.  This includes those blessed children born with that unique extra special chromosome.  Children like my Ellie.  Imagine if my Ellie was sent to an orphanage with no love, no touch, no care.  To know that in a few years, she would be sent to live in a mental institution, never to reach her full potential.  A place where she would not thrive.  A place where she would starve to death from lack of interaction, love, and general care.  My heart breaks when I watch the video.  I am not asking you guys to hop on a plane and adopt these children, I am asking that you become aware of the situation and if you are willing, donate just a few dollars towards these beautiful children to help them find a permanent family.  Even if you are not able to donate, pass on the information.  

Visit A Perfect Lily  for more information.  She is sponsoring a Give Away--prizes such as an iPad, Nikon D90 Camera, jewelry and other giveaways.

http://babynumber10.blogspot.com/2011/01/pure-love-giveaway.html